Flow like water

Change comes in waves. I've been thinking a lot lately. I can't really explain it, but I'll try anyway.

My current lease is up, I'm currently living month to month and can leave whenever I want. Personally, I think I want to move on. Ever since I moved out I have lived with roommates, which has been good, and unbelievably awful at times. The current roommates are... not so bad comparatively. But I can sum it up with 'muh'.

I think it's time to strike it out on my own. I'm looking forward to a level of privacy that I've never had before. And I'm looking forward to not having to explain anyone ever, or make excuses for other people. To knowing that every problem is a cause of my own and not feeling like I got cheap shotted when I have to do someone else's fair share on top of my own. I'm looking forward to not having drums played in the house at 4 in the morning.

It also scares the shit out of me. Like all computer geeks, I can very easily see myself becoming a hermit. I'm not an outgoing person. Coming home and getting on a computer has been a regular occurrence for me for years now. I'm going to have to work to keep myself sociable. Hell, I have to work to do it now sometimes. This will be a larger effort now.

I also hate renting apartments. I think part of this is that I just feel older than I am sometimes. I turn 21, tomorrow. But I have a great job. An amazing job. I get to go to skool, I have acquired no debt (in fact I have savings and am looking into investing), for fucks sake I get to start a 401k on Monday. That is all amazing. I feel so unbelievably lucky so often. But then when it comes to things like renting I feel like I'm just throwing the money away. It's the same thing every 21 year old is doing when they strike out on their own, but it's hard to mentally come to terms with. On top of this, our contract comes up and will be awarded soon. It could be the same company, it could be a different company, it could be on the same terms or totally different terms. We may gain people, or we could lose them. Everyone could be gone, who knows?

It's a level of uncertainty I am unused too, and it's nerve wracking thinking of all of this while just about to sign what is essentially the most expensive lease of my life considering I will no longer be splitting it with anyone. Match that with my unwillingness to live on the south side of town (it's awful) or the west side since it's so far from work and I haven't put myself in what many would call a low price bracket. That uneasy feeling that I could be knocked down a few pegs from "guy with a career" to "guy serving food or stocking boxes" at any minute just lingers over every big decision.

The time I spent living at home again after the awfulness that was my first roommate experience taught me something. That something being that I am never doing that again. I am never going to ask my parents for a place to live again. I will never move back into that fucking room. I just can't do it. I appreciate what they did for me, more than I think they know or that I am able to express. But I will never, ever, do that again.

So yeah, June should be fun.