Happy Cinco De Mayo. A Mexican-themed holiday couldn’t possibly be more gringo than this, but goddamnit, it’s about defeating the French military when outmanned 2-to-1, and celebrating that is about as American as it gets.
So, here’s how to make an excellent salsa, courtesy of my mom’s recipe. If you wanted, you could get away with saying this was handed down to you thru TWO generations of Mexicans. That just sounds impressive.
Step 1: Ingredients:
In here we have:
- Green Onions
- A Sombrero (so you can feel authentic)
- An iPad (so you can feel like the douchebag you are)
Not pictured because I always forget something
Step 2: Put on the Sombrero and take an awkward photo of yourself
Step 3: Cut some shit
Cut the tomatoes, tomatillos, and jalapenos in half, and lay them on a baking shit. Put them in the oven on broil (I dunno why broil, that’s just what Mom says, so I do it). Then give it some time
Step 4: Cut some more shit
While the other stuff is in the oven, cut up some cilantro, the garlic that I forgot earlier, the green onions (I used 3 stalks) and limes if you want.
Step 5: Pull everything out of the oven
Step 6: This is how you can tell it’s done
The skin on the tomatoes will start to curl a little, you’re kitchen will also start to smell like a magic hacienda. You can practically hear Salma Hayek whispering how impressed she is with you in your ear.
Step 7: Put that shit in a blender.
I prefer to layer everything a little of everything, then another layer of everything. It’s a blender though, it blends things. You’ll figure it out. This is when you add the salt!
Step 8: Press the blend button on the blender!
Go slow at first. Then faster. Inappropriate analogy unnecessary. After it’s good and mixed up, TASTE IT. It’ll be warm and steaming and delicious. At this point I decided to add a little more salt and another jalapeno. It’s all about figuring out what works for you, do it a few times until you figure out exactly how you want it to taste.
Step 9: Put that shit in a bowl. No one wants to scoop out of a blender.
I squeezed a little lime on top, and put some chopped green onion and whole cilantro on top. I’m weird like that.